Often our ability to give or not give affection, or rather positive feedback, depends on our parenting and our atavistic familiarity with giving and receiving it. I may have been accustomed to belittling or filtering it: for example, "nobody gives anything unless they want something in return". Someone may have concluded that negative strokes – the famous stick – are more effective than positive ones, or they may simply have always wanted to receive them, but without success: 'but if they don't give them to me, why should I give them to my colleagues?'
We should also remember that caresses represent our need for recognition: from an early age, we learn the hard way to understand what brings us caresses from our parents; the so-called conditioned or non-spontaneous caresses. So, if as a child I realise that if I tidy up my toys at the end of the day without my mother reminding me, she will give me a caress, as an adult I will be inclined, at the end of the day, to tidy my desk and give my manager a detailed report of the tasks I have carried out in order to obtain a similar caress.
Or again, if as a child I am promised a reward, material or otherwise, for getting good grades, as an adult I will be more inclined than others to accept tasks that include a challenge aimed at a final reward. A conditional reward, therefore, signals to me that my behaviour is pleasing or displeasing to someone, and this obviously influences my behaviour.
Let us therefore examine which elements of feedback can evoke in our employees memories of messages received in childhood:
- Coldness and Indifference. These evoke the pleasure and interest that the child did not receive in the early years of life. The perception is one of inadequacy and worthlessness, and soon the employee will believe that they are not well accepted by their manager, their self-confidence will diminish, and they will show signs of pessimism. They will feel worthless in your eyes and will need constant reassurance to be sure that they "exist" for you.
Furthermore, not showing one's emotions often leads the employee to feel that you "don't trust them/they don't trust you". - Critical or disparaging comparisons, whether overt or covert, with other colleagues. They recall possible comparisons with siblings or friends, both from a physical and intellectual point of view. In this case too, we see a sharp decline in self-esteem, fear of disappointing others and of not being good enough. The perception is one of not being accepted for who one is, a constant effort to appear different in order to be accepted and appreciated, with the risk of fuelling unhealthy competition.
- Don't give them autonomy ('I'll protect you'). At the beginning of a new working relationship or when taking on a new role, it is normal for managers to want to help and protect their employees, just as parents do with their young children. However, it is equally normal to let them go so that they can take on their responsibilities and become independent. Sometimes, as with some parents who would like their children to remain small forever, managers tend to take the place of their employees and protect them over time, limiting their autonomy, preventing them from growing and thus instilling a sense of frustration. The employee will then always need guidelines, rules and advice.
One way of demonstrating this – and therefore requesting "protection" from one's manager – is through illness: if as a child I understood that illness brings affection, then as an adult I will use the same strategy whenever things go wrong in my relationships with managers or colleagues or, more generally, at work. - You won't make it. This reflects the message that a parent who is jealous of their child's success and afraid of losing their role model status might convey. Similarly, a manager who sees their employee growing might be afraid of losing their status and therefore deliberately send them a negative message, pointing out mistakes and not complimenting them on their successes, thus creating frustration. Furthermore, the employee who unconsciously relives the past may in turn sabotage themselves, i.e. work well but not achieve the goal so as not to compete with their manager.
- I'll do it, it's too risky. This can also be seen as a form of protection that actually blocks the employee's desire to contribute and causes them to shy away from making choices and taking responsibility. This leads to perpetual indecision. The same concept applies to those who, as children, did not feel confronted with their responsibilities and consequently did not feel "important" to anything or anyone: as adults, it will be very difficult for them to take on leadership roles or they will tend not to want to pursue a career.
- Overvaluation. Even overly positive feedback or feedback given over time at the expense of colleagues can be negative. The employee may develop too much self-esteem and weaken their critical sense, reinforcing the value of their image already exalted by their parents. The risk is isolation from the rest of the team, arrogance and aggression, and the consequent difficulty in managing the resource.
- You're not paid to think. This message belittles and somewhat ridicules attempts at problem solving: a bit like when we were children and our parents didn't even consider our attempts to find a solution and instead pointed out the mistakes we made. The result is confused and anxious behaviour that tends to freeze up in the face of problems instead of solving them, waiting for someone else to think for us..
This is why it is important that feedback is based on facts and not opinions, so as to separate the person receiving the criticism from their behaviour: if we want to avoid parental anchoring, feedback to employees must focus on what they do, not who they are.
